Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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