What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
