I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
