Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
