i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
