I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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