M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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