Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
