I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
