I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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