I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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