Even water is tasting like jack daniels
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
