theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
