Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
