How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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