In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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