dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
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I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
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11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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