This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
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I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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