I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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