I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i've created a new STD.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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