I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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