Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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