'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
