i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
