He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
