Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
