The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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