you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
