definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
