You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
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NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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