The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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