I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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