I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
