hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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