So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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