I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
