Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Sorry my hands just texted you
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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