i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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