Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
