listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
