someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
