no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
