i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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