I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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