dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
