I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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