Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
