Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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