Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
