when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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