kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
