i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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