zippers are such a cool invention
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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