i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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