i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
id be glad to
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
