i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
