so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
