My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
