The maid of honor just puked.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
